The Omake Files
by Despite
Summary: Male Order for Rei...just what has Shinji purchased? And the Angel infested MAGI seem to be taking a rather disturbing interest in the lad...
1. Part 0: Disclaimer

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any Evangelions. I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or associated characters, nor do I own the Muppets, Astro Boy, Chobits or any other copyrighted anime characters. I don't own all that much, in the grand scheme of things. Please, give generously...to charity or causes you believe in. Not me. I'm not doing too badly, but I sincerely doubt that suing me for anything would be worth the investment.

If any owners of the intellectual property represented in this text want me to remove it, I will. In fact, I think I'd be honoured!


	2. Part 1: Childish

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The O-Files Part #1

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WARNING: M15+: Sexual Suggestive Content. Parental Guidance...would be a bit wrong. Ahem.

---

Well, now that that warning has talked things up I suppose I should explain. Here are a collection of the Omake from my story Initial Perturbation. They would also be the Special Edition, since they have been modified somewhat (as actual improvements, not a dodgy way to extend copyright).

Sadly, they seem more popular than my actual story.

Oh yeah, and there's the continuation of IRUEL the Talking MAGI that hasn't appeared in Initial Perturbation, in Part #3 yet.

Nuff said. Read on...

---

The Third Child

---

"Get your ass in here, THIRD CHILD!"

"Oooh...crap."

Shinji knew he was in trouble. His wife only called him that when his insurance premiums seemed to skyrocket. The phrase had taken on an eerie new meaning after their second child was born.

"Uhm, Asuka-chan..."

"Don't 'Asuka-chan' me! WHO THE HELL IS THIS FLOOZY WHO'S CALLING YOU?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb. The floozy who's on your speed-dial!"

He looked at the triumphantly upheld phone. "Uhm...that's our neice, Asuka-chan."

"WHAT!"

Shinji sighed, knowing that being right wasn't going to save him. Still better than the 'floozy' charge...

"Ask Kensuke next time he calls. It's his kid. She's going to a local university, so he gave me her number in case of emergencies."

"...so why is she inviting you out for dinner?"

"Huh? She is?"

"Text message came in a few minutes ago." Asuka growled.

"Hmm, maybe she wants to meet the famous pilot? Maybe have his babies?"

"Well, she's too late. I'll only allow you to have my babies."

"No wonder people wonder which one of us wears the trousers..."

"Neither of us when I'm in a good mood, mega-playboy."

"The kids..."

"Are asleep. Maybe it's time to awaken the Giant Purple Monster..."

---

Super Shinji's Repopulate the Earth Suit

---

(Preamble...)

Sometime after the arrival of Israfel the Ballet Dancing Angel...

"So you understand, Third Child, that this is only to help us to defeat the Angel."

"That's no reason for making me make your bed. Can't you do it yourself?"

"What one can do and what one must do are different thing. You must make my bed for me. I can do it if I have to, but I'm not even sure what bits and pieces you use for one of those floor-softeners. Why can't you japanese people use beds like civilised people?"

An older voice interrupted them. "That's hardly the way to speak about your host country, Asuka. Or are you just trying to get Shinji's attention, like you havent got it already?" Misato stood at the doorway to the dimly lit room, given an aura by the room beyond's light.

"Oh, Misato. I was just explaining to baka-Shinji here about proper sleeping arrangements where adults don't force young ladies to sleep with boys. Uh...why are you holding a pillow?"

"I'm dumping my futon in-between you two. You didn't honestly think I'd leave you two alone in a room together did you? We might be hard-up for pilots, but no so badly that we want you two to make little pilots...at least not yet."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"Awww, did I ruin your plans? Don't worry Asuka, I'm sure Shinji will get your hints eventually, but you can't blame him for wanting to move slowly at your age...wow, look at you blush!"

"YOU...FIEND!"

"Oops, I think I embarrassed her..."

"You two SEX PERVERTS sleep in here, I'm going somewhere DECENT!"

"Whaddya think Shin-chan? Just you and me?"

"M-Misato!"

"Damn japanese-language phone...ring damn you!"

Shinji called out hesitantly to the red-tipped warhead. "Uhm...Asuka, who're you calling?"

"KAJI HELP ME! MISS KATSURAGI'S MAKING ME DO PERVERTED THINGS!"

Misato rushed out to the kitchen. "WHA..WHADYA...WHO ARE YOU CALLING!"

"COME AND RESCUE ME KAJI! AAAH, SHE'S GOT WHIPS AND CHAINS! EEEEEEK!"

"GIMME THAT YOU LITTLE BRAT!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'MEMORIES'? HELP ME!"

---

The days blurred, seemingly slow and painful second by second but looking back Shinji and Asuka could only remember the intense pace and the protesting muscles as Misato drove the pair.

"Misato, I...puff, puff, why does synchronising need us to...puff, puff, excercise? puff"

Misato grinned at him from her perch on the sofa. "I'm glad you asked, Shin-chan. Asuka, you've got the degrees. Please explain it to him."

Asuka shot her a glare as she gasped for breath. After a moment, she looked at the boy. "I think it goes like this, Shinji. We have to know how we both react, physically, so we can perfectly mirror each other in combat against this stupid twin-Angel. We won't have a neural link like in the Evas, so the synchronising has to come from our reactions to each other, so we have to understand each other's body language. Intimately! It's such an insane idea, with so much margin for error I'm surprised we're even considering it! Even if it was Mister Kaji's idea."

"Oh..." was all Shinji could reply.

"Ba-ka. So what's up next Misato? Maybe wrestling would work?"

"Nu-uh. Ballroom dancing next."

"Uh..." Shinji gasped.

"What! Mein Gott, you've got to be kidding! Oh look, the idiot's made a mess in his pants."

"I did not! I just thought...oh geez, you're gonna kill me aren't you?"

"Hmmm..." Asuka cocked her hip and grimaced. "That's just what Misato wants us to do. Still, it would get us in-tune, physically. Don't get any ideas, though." she shot Misato another death-stare. "But we're gonna get some better clothes, right? I'm sick of you two watching my ass in this spandex!"

"Aww, but it was so much fun watching you two stare at each other's butts when you thought no-one was looking."

"What!" they cried in unison. "You were looking?"

"Hmm, this seems to be working. Being acquainted with each other's bodies is part of the mission. Mind you, it could amount to abuse of power over minors, but in today's circumstances I don't know that anyone would stop us."

"You planned that!" Shinji asked in shock.

"Why else would we make both of you dress like that? Just don't get carried away, Nerv will not be providing any contraception for the sake of 'becoming of one mind and body'."

"I can't believe this! The rumours about Japan being the world's most perverted continent were right!"

"Why, where else have you been? Maybe we just admit it more than others. Gotta repopulate Earth, after all."

"So, uhm, do I like get a suit?" Shinji asked.

Misato's mouth split into a huge grin. "What, to repopulate the Earth?"

"Ah, shut up!" he responded testily, reaching his limit.

---

New from Nerv HQ - Super Shinji's Repopulate the Earth Suit!  
It Bends! It Flexes! It Smells like LCL!

Here are just some of the many positive Customer Testimonies:

Misato Katsuragi, Single Mum & Military Tactician:  
"Well, I don't have time to wait around for grandchildren, I'm almost thirty you know! Of course, it will be hard to keep track of them all...we may need a larger country soon. So with the upcoming invasion being planned, that suit is indirectly keeping me employed too!"

Maya Ibuki, Computer Technician & Closet Scientist:  
"He made Sempai bend in ways even I couldn't imagine!"

Mana Sumthigorava, Mary-Sue Impersonator & Part-Time Character:  
"I'm still healing...that Unit 01 takes some beating..."

Ryouji Kaji, Rogue Agent & Rogue Stubble of the Year winner:  
"Don't ask."

Ritsuko Akagi, Polymath Genius & Freudian Mess of the Decade winner:  
"It's had tremendous implications for Project E...now we have more Evangelions than we can handle and we've had to open a 'Little Angels' creche. And of course, there are at least as many pilots to be available in the near future. As for the suit, thankfully it's quite easy to clean."

Asuka Langley Sohryu, Popular Teenager & Ego Pilot:  
"It's incredible, just put it on my Shin-chan, and I've never been so pregnant! And neither has my best friend."

Gendo Ikari, Evil Mastermind & Estranged Dad:  
"The performance was acceptable, our scenario is now back on schedule. My son is now acceptably 'jiggy with it' and my stocks of confectionary will soon be utilised to their full potential as Instrumentalities of Spoiled Grandchildren"

Rei Ayanami, Angelic Enigma & Dead Poet Society member:  
"Pilot Ikari has demonstrated his reproductive capacity admirably, and I have taken it upon myself to distribute copies of his demonstration to others, so that they might learn from his example."

---

Asuka goes Discovering

---

(Based on someone else's idea...forgot who...)

Asuka rifled through Kaji's desk, searching for information she could use against Misato in her battle for the rogue's heart. Opening a draw, she shifted things about until something caught her eye.

"What's a condom pack doing in here? He's not seeing anyone right now, right?"

She read the contents of the pack incredulously;

"A.T. Field Condom (orange): Does the protecting while you do the penetrating...huh?"

"Eva Brand Condom (purple): It's big, it's purple and it's tough...why isn't it red?"

"Sonic Knife Condom (blue): Penetrate your Angel's Core safely...now that's just rude!"

"Evan-Jelly-On (lubricant): Softens the First Impact...weird..."

"Oh Asuka. Hey, what are you doing over there?" Kaji asked the teen.

"Uhm...I...it isn't..." Asuka panicked with her hands in the nookie jar.

Kaji shook his head. "Asuka, Asuka. Go on, which one do you want?"

"Gah-uhhhhh..."

"Only fourteen...That Shinji's got his father's luck with women...I'm almost jealous."

---

Not Man Enough

---

"I'm sorry, but we're simply not compatible." Asuka sighed.

"I mean, you're easy enough to live with and you're quiet and shy, but that's not enough reason for me to put up with you all the time, you know? A girl's got to have space."

"Urk..."

"You keep Misato under control, but even so I think our relationship can't be based on mutual respect."

"Uhrm..."

"You're all the same, you men. You're all trouble, and you're causing me no end of it."

"Sorry Pen-Pen, but I'm getting you booted out! So see you around, Feathers!" she commanded the penguin imperiously.

"Asuka, why are you talking to Pen-Pen?"

"Just sorting out my feelings, Third Child."

"Uhm...right..."

"Forget it Shinji, you wouldn't understand." 'There's only room for one man in my life.'

"Yeah...sure. Any requests for dinner?"

"Less fish, more real meat!"

"Well, I'll talk to Misato about the food budget, then..."

"Humph." 'Luckily for you, you don't make 'man' status, so you can stay."

Poor Shinji...

---

Power to Shinji

---

(Pre-amble)  
Asuka swiped her card on the Nerv reader. She continued on for a step until she realised that the powered, triple-reinforced mobile bulkhead in front of her hadn't budged.

"Ehhh!" she growled, boring holes into the door and her swipe card alternately with her eyes.

"Uhm, is something-" Shinji began as he barrelled into Asuka's form. What followed included words inappropriate for reproduction, at least Shinji's reproductive prospects.

"The reader has failed to function." Rei stated as she observed the apparently mating couple.

"No shit Sherlock!" Asuka griped as she extricated herself from Shinji's broken form. "So, none of our cards work?"

"Correct." Rei stated simply.

Shinji groaned as he picked himself and his scattered bilogical components up off the ground. "Maybe the reader's broken?"

Rei answered by systematically testing the other entrance gates. Asuka rushed to beat her to the third and final one. "Nope, they're all stuffed. Maybe we should try another entrance?"

"But...maybe they've deleted our records or something?" Shinji speculated.

"The readers have not responded to our cards at all. They should either accept or reject us, in which case a security unit would be summoned. It seems that the system has failed." Rei explained with infinite patience.

Shinji looked at the solid barriers before them. "Well, how are we going to get in then?"

"Maybe we should just go home? We might even make it in time for the Muppet Hour." Asuka postulated intelligently.

Rei shook her head. "A failure of the security protocols is a disaster scenario. We should make our way to Headquarters immediately."

Asuka furrowed her brow. "A 'distaster scenario'? Is it really that bad?"

"Well, I suppose an Angel attack would be really bad right now..." Shinji muttered.

"Like there's ever a good time. Fine, but how do we get in?" Asuka asked.

Shinji scratched his neck. "Maybe we should ask a Section 2 to help us?"

"There is a manual door mechanism that is disabled when power is available. If the power is out we should be able to use this mechanism. If it is not, a security unit will be dispatched to this location." Rei explained.

"So in other words, if the power is out then Nerv is a big fat self-serve parlour." Asuka said cynically.

"We should make haste." Rei stated as she went to the mechanism.

"Wait, I'll do that." Shinji offered and began laboriously winding the mechanism.

Asuka forced a sunny smile onto her face. "Nicely done Wondergirl, isn't he well trained?"

Rei looked at her blankly as she manouvered to help Shinji. He froze in shock as he felt Rei press herself against the back of his body. He instinctively started up again as she forced her upper thighs against his to raise the handle, his concious mind having decided to go to la-la land.

"GAH!" Asuka spluttered. "HAVE YOU NO SHAME!"

---

Shinji's mind, having recently vacated Shinji's body after it apparently started foreplay with Rei, entered la-la land on a fluffy white cloud. He was surrounded by bright blue skies and low humidity.

"Hello Shinji. Isn't it sunny today?" asked the Bluebird.

"Dafribble!" Shinji's mind responded.

"Rei's skirt sure is short, isn't it?" the Bluebird observed.

"Nyafrrrdlemumfs." Shinji's mind answered sagely.

"And you're here while she's rubbing her tender, firm breasts against your back and pressing her warm silky thights into your bum." the Bluebird noted conversationally.

"..." Shinji's mind said inwardly.

"Bye-bye, Shinji's mind...don't forget to hit 'record'..." the Bluebird said to the patch of vacuum in front of it that Shinji's mind had recenty vacated.

"He's got a quick and...agile mind when he wants to, doesn't he?" Matarael the Angel grinned at the Bluebird.

"Cheep?" said the Bluebird as it backed away slowly.

---

Hey, Angel's gotta have time-out too, don't they?

---

Misato's Gift

---

Shinji covered his ears as he opened his door. "Can you believe we bought that for her?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Well, I didn't know about the stupid 'beer alarm' feature!"

Shinji smiled sardonically. "Or the iris-scan on the fridge lock."

"Or the 'emergency Yebisu hotline' link."

"Or the Beer Defense Line mini-arsenal."

"Or the lead-lined nano-brewery and hops/barley/yeast store."

Shinji scratched his head with an embarrased shrug. "Well, it did say 'plan for the day after armegeddon' on the packaging...but I didn't think it was serious. I assumed it was talking about hangovers."

Asuka smiled lopsidedly. "It was the perfect gift for Misato...just a little too perfect."

"Hey, didn't it come with a return trip to Bavaria for Oktoberfest or something?" Shinji asked suddenly.

"Oh yeah...that must be starting soon..." Asuka said. "Hey, have you seen Pen-Pen recently?"

Shinji looked thoughtful. "I didn't see him this morning...I assumed he was trapped in Misato's room when he didn't come for his breakfast. You don't think..."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "A true measure of intelligence is not how many people think you're smart. To think, outsmarted by a bird. How are we going to get rid of Misato now?"

Shinji snapped his fingers. "We tell her that Pen-Pen took her lucky ring-pull with him!"

Asuka beamed. "Yes!" she said as the two teenagers high-fived each other.

A scant few minutes later, the Yebisu Can's main drive rocket could be heard to blast as Misato went on the intercept.

---

Asuka (about the new girl): "She's a little bit like lead and a little bit like plutonium - poisonous, very dense, and seems to emit evil radiation."

Shinji: "Mana is not that bad! She just pilots an enemy robotic killing machine and spies on people!"

---

The Trial of Misato Katsuragi for Deeds most Fowl

---

In full Nerv Official Dress, Misato tried to look very small as she cowered behind the Defense Panel. Armed penguins guarded the entrances to the court, for her 'protection'. Gendo Ikari sat next to her, impassive as always.

"The Prosecution's argument is irrelevant." he said blandly.

"To hell with you, Elton John's Repressed Brother!" Asuka cried.

"My lineage is irrelevant."

"So a small, cuddly creature's permanent bowle infliction is irrelevant!" she demanded.

"NO!" Shinji cried from the witness stand. "I have to live with him!"

"Silence from the witness stand." Hikari cautioned, gavel in hand, if a tad sympathetically. "The defense is invited to respond."

"Cuddly creatures are irrelevant, irrespective of size." the Commander clarified stiffly.

"What about your late wife, Yui Ikari? Was she not cuddly? Was she not one of God's creatures?" Asuka pointed out snidely.

"Yui..." Gendo's eyes glazed over.

"Da-ad!" Shinji screamed. "Stop thinking hentai thoughts about mother!"

"The witness will be in order!" Judge Horaki exclaimed. "He's getting as bad as you, Asuka!"

"We would like to bring a character witness to the stand." Commander Ikari said. "I call, Agent Ryouji Kaji."

Kaji strolled into the room, trademark smirk surgically applied to his face.

"Agent Kaji. Would you describe my client as a cruel woman?"

"Absolutely heartless."

Gendo's eyebrows moved a full two millimeters skyward, a new world record. "This is contrary to our scenario, agent."

Kaji grinned. "I swore to tell the truth in this room, bro."

"Ahem." Gendo considered his options. "No further questions."

"Kaji, are you busy tonight?" Asuka demanded.

"I hope so." Kaji's grin faded somewhat.

Hikari frowned at the man. "Mr. Kaji, don't you want to defend the love of your life?"

Kaji's smirk re-formed to it's full width, which rivalled a normal smile (but offset to the side). "Why? She'll be much easier to keep track of in jail."

---

"We will now hear from the victim of this heinous act most fowl-directed, Mr. Pen J. Pen." Asuka dictated (she was very good at it. Dictating, that is. Must be in the blood.)

Fuyutski tapped Gendo on the shoulder from his seat just behind Misato (for her protection, he said). "Ikari, the scenario said nothing about a middle name."

"Indeed." Commander Ikari rumbled. "Explain, Major."

"Jacked-up little trouble-maker?" she responded vicariously.

"Doubtful."

The victim was wheeled in.

"You are Mr. Pen J. Pen, alias Donald Duck?"

"Wurk." Pfft.

He wafted a wing about self-consciously.

"What's his alias for?"

"His trips in the U.S."

"Right..."

"Mr. PenPen, can you identify the person who put you into this state most foul in this courtroom?"

"Wark!" Ploppft.

Hikari pinched her nose delicately with one hand while waving the gavel about. "Someone's gonna hang for this..."

---

More than she wanted to know

---

Hikari giggled. "...his sensitive side."

Asuka looked aghast. "And which, exactly, is that stooge's 'sensitive side'?"

Hikari blushed a deeper red. "His...backside..."

"..." Asuka sweat-dropped.

"He asked me to smack it...he likes that..."

"..." Asuka lapsed into shell-shock.

"And in return, he..."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Asuka screamed. "I can't take anymore!"

"That's what I said when he..."

"SHUTTUP!"

"Geez Asuka, get with it. I never figured you for a prude."

Asuka looked sulky. "Well, it's just...we're not as promiscuous in Germany."

"Pfft, yeah right. Haven't you watched any German porn? Ooh...poor, innocent Asuka-chan..." Hikari said silkenly. "Just ask Shinji, he really knows what he's doing...why don't we go on a double-date? Or I can give you some lessons right now..."

Asuka fainted dead away, unable to contain the nose-bleed inducing thoughts of Shinji...and Hikari...

Touji popped up from the bushes behind Hikari. "'Sensitive side'" he snorted.

"Well, it would be if I..."

"Look, I'm not ready for that freaky shit yet. Good work on taking out the devil, here."

"I know...you owe me two-hundred."

"Cash!"

"Either that or naked pushups."

Touji went rigid in shock. "No way! You're such a pervert, Hikari." he said, counting out notes.

"I have an older sister." she replied with a shrug, recounting the bills and pushing them into her pushup bra.

---

Rei's Glasses

---

Commander Ikari pushed his glasses further up his nose, closing his eyes and gasping in pain. "Gaackkk! Argh, what the hell am I doing?"

Young Rei (The First) used sign language: you seem to be self-mutilating

Gendo slowly and gingerly pulled the stem of the amber-tinted glasses out of his nasal orifice. "Oh, geez...oooh..." he sighed in relief. The bloody, snotty things fell to the floor.

Rei used sign language: do it again

Ikari grabbed a tissue from a box and gently inserted it into the damaged nostril. "That's it, your brother has got to go. How the hell did he put them in my nose in the first place?"

Rei used sign language: Hey, it was just his idea, I manipulated it with MY AT field. Don't I get any credit?

"What are you doing with your hands, Rei?"

The little girl answered in her high-pitched voice, "Just practising."

"If only Yui were alive...or child-minding services were reasonably priced." with that, the future Commander of Nerv left the room in search of some orally-administered aenesthetic. Fermented from grain.

Rei picked up the broken glasses. She didn't want to forget this moment they had shared together.

"I think I need to wash my hands."

---

The MAGI are singing! It's the End of The World!!

---

Ritsuko lit up a cigarette and flicked the 'on' switch of the MAGI power supply.

"Oohhhhhh" said MAGI 01 Caspar.

"Oooohhhh" said MAGI 02 Melchior.

"Oooooohh" said MAGI 03 Balthesar.

"Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's Off To Work We Go!" they chorused. The synchrograph whistled in tune.

"Hi Ho! Hi Ho! Hi Ho!" sang Gendo, waving at the three supercomputers.

Ritsuko ground her teeth. "Fucking Ikari really is a bastard!" she hissed.

Gendo grinned. "Hey, that was my nickname for your moms when we were still dating. Man, did we get up to some freaky stuff."

Fuyutsuki covered his face, remembering. "Oh, the horrors of Second Impact." he groaned.

He poured himself a whisky as Ikari began break-dancing on the floor. Ritsuko swiped it and threw it back in a single gulp. Fuyutski poured himself a double.

The Seele monoliths appeared, singing an do-wap acapella in tune.

"Ooooh...It has begun...duh-duh-de-waaah..."

Pen-Pen led six other penguins onto the bridge, equipped with shovels and pickaxes.

A random bridge bunny found his speaking voice (with a dollars-per-word cheque attached). "Do those shovels and pickaxes look a little...lance-ish to you?"

"Why are we criticizing the props of a bunch of avian invaders?" The dialogue budget was obviously fairly healthy.

Misato stared as the Penguins started to run amok. "Someone get the Pilots!"

"Asuka's taking a nap," reported Hyouga.

"Shinji's stuck in the lockers, he says his plug suit is locked in his locker and he can't find the key. He's also curled up into a ball and is whimpering." observed Maya.

"Rei's naked." grinned Aoba.

Misato slapped her forehead. "Dammnit. Someone expendable, go slap Asuka around until she wakes up. I'll go get Shinji!"

"Any excuse to go to the men's changing rooms, eh?"

"What about Rei?"

"She's naked."

"Oh right. Forget about her helping, then."

Asuka stormed onto the bridge in her bright-red, form-fitting plug-suit that had an odd resemblance to cosplay spandex, having thrown the expendable cast member around the room like a destroyer.

"Hyah! Momma's come to get you you little fiends!" she shrieked like a banshee. She started tossing the penguins around like tenpins in tuxedos.

Pen-Pen noticed this and squawked a command. 'Stwaaaaks Ooouuun!"

All of the penguins launched themselves at Asuka in a kamikaze attack.

"Oh. This can't end well."

---

"We'll continue this later, if you survive."

"Misato...I'll fight the demons of hell if you'll do that again!"

"Funny you should say that..."

---

Rei looked down at the defeated Asuka. "Your bits are showing."

Asuka looked tiredly up. "I know that! Stupid Penguins ate my clothes!" she snapped.

Rei smiled enigmatically.

Asuka frowned. "Why are you nude?"

"Ikari wanted it this way."

"You are all Hentai Bakas!"

---

Shinji, Kidnapped

---

"B-but...why did you kidnap me?" asked Shinji of the one who had just whisked him away from Nerv.

"I wouldn't know that." said the Section 2 Agent.

"I want to find out what makes you such a good Eva pilot..." said Ritsuko with the maniacal look of a scientist on the hunt.

"It seemed like a mysterious and plot-wrenching thing to do." Kaji shrugged.

"I was bored...really bored..." Asuka whispered huskily as she loosened her blouse.

"...you are not Rei." Gendo realised as he dunked the boy into the LCL-filled lava-lamp.

"You're so kawaii, I just had to! Now, put on this liddle sailor-suit..." squealed Maya.

"...because of your sensitive bits...Er! 'Side'..." blushed Hikari.

"I'll ransom you for an Eva!" cried Kensuke triumphantly.

"I'll shut up your whining yet!" Touji growled.

"It seemed to me that, as a pilot, you require extra tutoring about Second Impact...in special detail..." monotoned the Sensei.  
"My father put you up to this, didn't he?" Shinji growled.

"You really do remind me of Yui..." Kouzo smiled wistfully at the thoroughly freaked boy.

"I am not sure. I have beeh experiencing strange urges that I do not understand. Please put on this studded leather plug-suit." said Rei II as Shinji cowered in fear.

"I am not sure. I have been experiencing strange urges that I do not understand. Please help me put on this red PVC catsuit." said Rei III, as Shinji struggled to keep his nasal bloodvessels intact.

"Buy me lollies." ordered Rei I.

"You have no idea what it takes to get attention from Misato." said Hyuuga with a shrug.

"I need some'n to shing wif meee! Yebisieeee...an' some saki m' boyo-friendly man." slurred Misato to her newly acquired bartender.

"The Dead Sea Scrolls made me do it." insisted Keele.

"We want to look at you." monotoned Seele 02 as the monoliths leered.

"Man, I musta been so hammered..." groaned Shigeru, holding his head on straight with his hands.

"Waaarck!" Pen-Pen told him angrily, shaking the can and holding the ring-pull to Shinji's temple.

"I want someone to play with me! Dance, monkey-boy, dance!" Mari Suzahara huffed.

"It is my task to unsettle your psyche. Now, tell me about your mother..." said the 15th Angel patiently.

"You remember when Rei got stabbed by that wishy-washy lance-Angel thing? Well, this is where things get a little...metaphysical..." said the 16th Angel after a beat. "Hand me those neko-ears and the stick-on tail would you?"

"Angst level not high enough." said Unit 00.

"Because I...am your mother. I must teach you about the ways of the Universe. The next time Asuka grabs you: you must use the Tongue." said Yui.

"Because your father has been ignoring me now that I'm a 40-foot biomechanical robot! We're leaving!" Unit 01 huffed, stamping her gigantic Nike'd foot.

"Mess with MY little girl, will you!" hissed Unit 02. "Next time you do it right, got that? I want grandchildren before Third Impact!"

"If at first you don't succeed..." said the Dark Basket-Ball of Doom Angel.

"We have a lot in common, you and I...we're both angsty christ-figure martyrs, et al." said Lillith.

"I need a bargaining chip with your Father so I can get me outta his damned glove!" explained Adam.

"This will make them think twice about installing a Microsoft operating system on us." explained MAGI Caspar.

"I was so depressed. Here I am, a brain the size of a universe and only one entity who's one googleplexth as depressed as me. I thought we could compare notes." moaned MAGI Marvin.

"Steve Jobs bet me I couldn't do it without OS-X installed." said MAGI Melchior. "I told him to go back to making iPods."

"Nyah?" said MAGI neko-Balthesar.

"You really are dense, aren't you?" sighed Mana.

The Ayanami Clones smiled vacantly and proceeded to shuffle Shinji into their den...

"You'll see..." Kaoru impishly whispered with a wink.

---

Gendo's Life before Gehirn

---

A Nerv Corporate Announcement:  
Due to the current adverse economic circumstances, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off until further notice. In case of severe discomfort, windows above the third floor will be opened on hot days for the benefit of all.

"That's just great, Ikari!" Fuyutsuki snarled sarcastically, "You've plunged the world into an economic crisis!"

"Indeed."

"I told you to clean up your finances, but noooo, you had to overextend SEELE's credit. And on what?!"

"A man needs something to get around in, Sensei."

"You blew it on building giant robots with gaudy paint-jobs, aerodynamic extensions and sub-woofers!"

"I need to express my individuality and masculinity."

"And the pyramid! In a gigantic cave big enough for a city! What, do you have a weird Pharoah complex with Atlantis overtones or something?"

"A diversionary tactic to confuse the enemy."

"Like making little kids pilot said robots!"

"They are not 'little kids', they are teenagers."

"Just! And what's the deal with leaving the end off the company logo?"

"We can save money by using the 'E' for the project."

"Just what is the project anyway? 'Nasty Angels from Outer Space are Coming, But We've got a Giant, Purple Horn'd Robot'...did you get that from a porn site? What are you on, and where can I get some?"

"I cannot disclose my sources."

"Face it Ikari, you've failed the scenario. You're ruined."

"The outcome is subjective."

"I'm afraid not. I'm giving you an SH for Sloppy Housekeeping and an F, for Fail."

Gendo sat, stunned. "That is unacceptable."

"Hmmph, you're telling me."

"I must repeat final-year AGAIN? This may affect my Yui-and-the-Antarctic honeymoon scenario., terminally"

The Sensei just shook his head as the young man slumped away from his office at Tokyo-U. "Humph. Who'd ever allow him to get into power?"

---

Golden Victory

---

Unit 00 stood by, equipped with a gingham-and-leather pretzel-girl outfit and showing far more cleavage than a respectable bio-mechanoid could get away with. Unit 01 was wearing a turban (with a mini-turban for it's horn) and Unit 02 was equipped with form-fitting jeans and a tight 'Bud Light' T-shirt for added authenticity. The type-D Michelin Man outfit had been modified to assist with filling out said T-shirt.

"Shinji! Prepare to neutralise the Angel!" Misato commanded.

"Yes ma'am, high-pressure canon on standby!" her pet Chef responded readily.

"Misato, we can only give you enough for ten second. After that, it's up to the potency of the mix and the strength of Asuka and Rei's attacks." called the Sane one.

"Okay Rits. Asuka, you're in position?"

"You betcha!" exclaimed the testa rossa, ready for action.

"Rei, how about you?"

"Yes."

Misato struck a pose, swoosh-ing her long purple hair dramatically. "Good. Execute Operation Bender Mender!"

Shinji took careful aim and fired at range. Extra-hot Vindaloo curry paste blew out from the canon, potently spicy particles gleaming in a translucent red oil binder. "Absolute Bitterness Field neutralised!" he reported.

The drenched Angel whimpered and flailed, letting Asuka get close enough to fire off her shotgun loaded with salted peanut clusters. "Hah! Eat this, Angel! Here's salt in your eyes!"

Rei dashed in with dual super-sized pretzels at the ready, beating the transparent Angel's core with even-handed blows. She smirked slightly, "Taste my carbohydrates, Angel."

Adam's core broke under the blows and the giant being's hue turned from transparent to amber. Misato appeared with an appropriately scaled beer stein as the core yielded to a flowing font of frothy ale (try saying that five times fast).

With a huge, victorious grin Operations Director Katsuragi toasted her defeated foe and put her head back.

"Mmm, heavenly..." she mumbled in her sleep, having inhaled half her pillow.

---

School Daze - of Schoolgirls and Muskrats

---

Shinji sat at his desk wearily, unwillingly hostage to another day of school. His eyes, hardly opened since the alarm that morning, collapsed shut as Hikari sounded her usual call to boredom.

He listened with half an ear, waiting for his name to be called.

"Rise, bow!"

'Nah, can't be bothered. Cut me some slack, Inchou.'

"Thankyou, Hikari-chan. Now, we have a new student."

'Erm? Unusual, but not open-eyes worthy.'

"M-My name is...Mana Kirishima! Uhm, pleased to meet you!"

"Please sit next to Ikari there."

"Arigato Gozaimasu, Sensei."

'Wait...Ikari...that's me, right?'

Shinji lifted his head to see the strawberry-blonde taking a seat next to him. 'Whoa! She's...cute.'

She looked at him briefly, causing him to jerk away in embarrasment. Then, because he was a teenaged boy after all, he looked at her.

'Argh! She looked back!'

He stared at his desk for a while. But temptation took him. He turned his head again...just in time to see her looking away in embarrasment.

'She was...looking at me?'

He looked back at his desk.

'Aww, who am I kidding?' and turned his head again. This time, their eye met. They both blushed furiously and looked away.

"Hmmph."

'Uh oh...'

"NYAHH!" Mana yelped, sitting bolt upright and grasping at her back. Shinji saw something red fall as she clawed it off.

"KIYAAAAAAA!" the girl shrieked after Shinji saw something white flash from behind him. He watched as the new girl fled the room, jerking spasmodically as she ran. For a moment, he thought he saw arcs of electricity jumping along her spine.

Shinji flashed Asuka and Rei dirty looks as they tried to look innocent.

"Well...Hikari, please check on Ms. Kirishima. Now, typically quite territorial, the females will..."

Shinji rolled his eyes an assumed the Gendo position. 'So that's what those hairclips are really for. I'll have to speak to them about inappropriate use of Nerv property.'

He sighed as the Sensei's soothing chant lulled him to sleep. 'No wonder Father always wears those beer-goggled. With this kind of crap going on, it helps.'

"Multiple partner behaviour is not uncommon, however the unwillingness of females to share...is something wrong, Ayanami?"

"I wish to assist and advise the new student." Rei said. Shinji's brow ticked.

"Yeah, she's got a few things she needs to understand." Asuka said, standing up and subtly cracking her knuckles.

"Very well. Occasionally, females will form partnerships to...what is it, Ikari?"

"I need to stop Rei and Asuka from beating up on the new girl before I can get with her."

"Again? Oh, very well. Exactly how Third Impact changed the Muskrat's behavioural patterns is still subject to debate..."

---

Copied 2006

-fin 


	3. Part 2: Asuka's a WHAT?

OMAKE Series: Asuka's a WHAT??

* * *

Lieutenant Ibuki turned a corner in a less uninhabited section of Nerv, clipboard held loosely by her side. "Oh, good afternoon Shinji. What are you running around for?"

Shinji looked down and rubbed the back of his head. "I, uhm, I'm looking for Asuka."

Maya smirked. "Oh? Have you got a date with her tonight, Shinji-kun?"

The boy blushed. "Uh, well, that is..."

The lieutenant tilted her head and smiled seductively. "Come on, you can tell me. So, just how far have you two got?"

"Uh! I-I don't..."

Maya giggled. "Come on, tell me! Second base? Third? Home Run!"

"Uh...I don't know what that means, isn't that American football?"

The lieutenant's grin widened. "If you don't know, I'll just have to explain it won't I? You see, 'First' is kissing, and second..." she took Shinji's wrist and brought it toward her chest.

"AAAAAH!" shreiked a shocked redheaded pilot. She pushed between the percimon-red boy and the tempting technophile. "AAAAH!" she shrieked again, just to make sure her point was made. "What the hell are you doing to my idiot!" she demanded, standing on tip-toes to poke her nose into Maya's face more effectively.

"Taking him further than you have, apparently."

"AAAAAH!" Asuka screeched, just in case her point still hadn't got through. "What, you were going to demonstrate everything to him! 'Home Run' in the hallway?"

"Well, I was thinking of taking him to one of the bathrooms, but it would be a bit kinkier out here wouldn't it. Perhaps you need the 'bases' explained too? I suppose I'll have to show you too..." and moved subtly closer to the girl.

Asuka froze. Literally. Perhaps she breathed, but she didn't move. Somehow she stayed balanced on her toe-tips while leaning forward in her accusatory way.

The temptress rolled her eyes and pulled a small toolkit from her waist. "These German models sure do demand their maintainance." she sighed, screwdriver in hand.

Shinji folded his arms in frustration. "If she's reverted back to only being able to say 'chii' all the time, I will have to hurt you." he growled.

* * *

Shinji sat on the couch watching TV with Asuka beside him.

"Baka."

He let out a sigh. "Okay, Asuka. Here's the remote control."

He watched glumly as the channels flicked around as Asuka struck buttons at random. "Baka. Baka. Baka? Baka." she said in her sing-song voice.

Pen-Pen entered the room and stood poised at Asuka's calf, beak at the ready.

"O-Okay Pen-Pen! Here, give him the remote Asuka-chan."

"Baka?"

"Here. Now watch your Attenborough penguin-porn and leave Asuka alone okay."

"Waaarck."

"Baka."

"C'mon Asuka, let's go to the kitchen."

Shinji watched as Asuka slumped to the floor and began crawling clumsily, her graceful body making the baby-crawl oddly appealing.

'Dammnit.' Shinji muttered internally. "Now sit down Asuka." Shinji told the german mean machine, gesturing to a table chair.

"I am not a doll." She replied sunnily.

"What!" Shinji gasped, suddenly hopeful.

"Please press my button to turn me on." Asuka stated helpfully.

Shinji threw his head back and yelled, "GOD DAMMNIT REI, STOP MESSING WITH MY STUFF!"

* * *

**Pin-Pom**

Maya looked up from her book at the sound of her door-bell. She had been considering getting a kitten's meow one like her Sempai's, but in the meantime she was content with the generically cutsey one she had.

"Who could it be at this time of night?" she asked herself. Opening the door, she stood mute at the sight of Evangelion Unit 01's purple toe armour glowing against the malevolently dark sky, and looked up to see it's face turned downward to glare at her. It didn't help her mood that it was tapping it's left palm with the blade of a progressive knife.

"I'll fix her! I'll fix her!" Maya screamed in desperation.

There was a high-pitched groan to her left.

"Oops!" Shinji's amplified voice echoed around the city, "I think I crushed your garbage bin with my little toe. Well, accidents do happen, you know."

* * *

"BAKA HENTAI! What, did you think you could take advantage of me just because of a little accident like that? Hah!" Asuka yelled victoriously as she slapped Shinji, almost playfully.

"Uh, I'd never do that Asuka!" Shinji pleaded in self-defense. He lowered his tone, "But now that you're okay, maybe I will try to take advantage..."

Asuka froze.

"FUCKING GOD DAMMNIT!"

* * *

"Asuka-chan, we're all alone..."

"FZZT"

"Asu-baby, let's get busy..."

"FZZT"

"Uhm, can we hold hands?"

"FFFTZ"

"DAG NABIT!"

Shinji gritted his teeth and gingerly explored where he shouldn't. His fingers found a button, which he pressed guiltily.

A pre-recorded voice emitted from Asuka's mouth.

_Vhat are you doing! Zere iss a population krisis, you must find ein Real Girlfriend unt make ze bebies poste haste! No robot-sex for you!_

_Love,_

_Ze Cherman Race_

"Crap. Now I gotta get her chipped." Shinji muttered under his breath.

* * *

Shinji slunk meekly into Ritsuko's office, towing Asuka along on a little cart. "D-Doctor?" he asked.

"Yes Shinji, what is it?" the busy scientist said benignly.

He pointed at the broken girl. "Can you fix her so she'll have sex with me?"

Ritsuko blinked, and slowly looked from Shinji to Asuka, back to Shinji. Then she picked up the phone.

"Gendo? Yes, it IS me. You're an egomaniac who's ideas for world conquest and godhood are laughably pathetic and lack imagination or originality. In line with your sexual efforts, I might add. And each time you call Yui's name I go home and stab a Rei clone to death. With a sharpened pencil. Actually I just made that up, but this MY dream and I won't waste the opportunity!" and slammed down the receiver.

Then she looked and Shinji for a moment, who looked pensive. After a small hesitation he said, "Uh...so can you help me?"

Ritsuko rubbed her chin. "Yes, I believe I can. Head to examination room 69 and wait for me there. I'll give you some 'instruction'."

"Uh...Doctor Akagi? It won't work...she's got a child lock."

"Heh. An easy fix." Ritsuko mumbled, leaning down to one of her drawers and pulling out a pair of pliers.

"Sempai, I'm finished recalibrating the combobulations." Maya called as she walked into her office with her clipboard.

"Ah, yes Maya. Could you get Shigeru and Makoto to join us in ex-room 6-9 in about 20 minutes? And Rei? Oh, and if you see Kaji and Misato, send them along. Hmm, and just to make things complete, better let Fuyutsuki know too."

"Uh...yes Sempai? Uhm...something you want to show us?"

"Just a little 'group bonding' I've been thinking about for some time."

Maya wasn't dumb, she'd been to college. "Aw gods, she's got something planned hasn't she? She must have found those pictures..." she quaked.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Shinji shrieked at Ritsuko.

"Just taking her clothes off. Yours too, please." the scientist demanded.

"NO!"

"My imagination is too set on details. Fine, I'll take them off for you." Ritsuko smirked.

Gendo burst into the room. "Doctor. You are not dreaming."

"Oh, hello dear. You're early, as usual."

"I won't allow you to do this."

Ritsuko grinned widely. "Now this is more like it!"

Gendo looked at the two kids. "Leave immediately."

"Good luck sir..." Shinji whispered, dragging his catatonic girlfriend with him.

* * *

"Hey Shinji, I heard you got Asuka modded."

Shinji looked up from the couch, furrowing his brow as he nodded. "Yeah...why do you care Rei?"

"Her breasts are way outta proportion, and that red hair? Ridiculous."

The boy growled, "That's how she was before!"

Rei closed her eyes and shrugged, non-chalantly. "I heard you got the child-lock taken off your little prosti-droid too."

"SHE'S NOT A PROSTI-DROID!"

"Oh, you just wanna play 'doctors and nurses' with a robot huh?"

Shinji's face went beet-red and a puff of smoke escaped his ear. Rei could smell burning insulation.

"MOM!" she cried, "SHINJI BROKE AGAIN!"

Yui came in quickly in her lab-coat, and examined the stationary boy. Then she turned to Rei. "You HAVE to be less rough with your brother!" she admonished severely. Rei rubbed her severely admonished ears many times until the swelling went down.

Shinji tapped the connection hatch on his neck closed and scowled at Rei. "So," he began, "if I'm a persocon too, why can't I get jiggy with Asuka?"

Rei smirked at him. "And what exactly would that achieve?"

The male simulant rolled his eyes. All the way around, freaking Rei out just a tad. "And just where do you think little persocons come from?"

The blue-haired girl chuckled and patted Shinji on the shoulder. "Oh dear, that's so wrong. Persocons come from factories, where they're manufactured by big corporations."

Shinji groaned and gently led Rei to sit down on the sofa. "Okay...it's time you knew. These are what we call the facts of life: when a man persocon and a woman persocon love each-other very much..."

"You're defective!" Rei cried. "You've got it all backwards."

"After Second Impact, human DNA was too badly damaged by the residual radiation for humanity to reproduce naturally..."

"Ha-ha Shinji, now go shut down!"

"Whereas humans are born in radiation-sealed laboratories referred to as 'cabbage patches', and distributed by The Stork Corporation..."

"You're crazy!"

"The auto-replication and reconfiguration persocon was created to repopulate the Earth..."

"Go stick a plug up your recharge socket!" Rei cried and ran to her room.

* * *

"...And thus, Atlas was sent to Mars, the frozen nirvana of the damned. And lo, Astro was laid to rest. He lay inactive for many a day, despite the ministering of many a Norton Priest and Spyware Minister."

"But on the third day, his holiest sister Uran did point above the haze. And lo, the sun did shine on Astro Boy's photovoltaic converter. And thus, Astro Boy rose from the scrap."

Rei huffed her fringe up. "Stupid persocon religion. Why is it the only thing on TV during the Impact Holiday?"

Asuka shrugged from her position at Shinji's legs, sitting on the floor while he sat on the sofa. "At least it's better than last-years version. Angels and Demon-Angels...pah. But I hear next year's upgrade pack will include Optimus Prime!"

"They were 'Evangelions', I think." Shinji supplied vacantly. Rei noticed him surreptitiously wiping a tear from his eye as he watched Astro Boy leaving the earth at Second Impact.

Asuka watched the moody blue-haired girl grumpily watching the TV accross the room. She got up to whisper in Shinji's ear. "Hey...I think Rei's lonely."

"Huh?" Shinji whispered back. "But we're here."

"I think she needs a boy-friend. As in, a human one."

Shinji wrinkled his nose. "But they're so rare..."

"Baka. We'll just have to find one. Then she can order some children! Wouldn't that be awesome! Little human children! She could get a matching set!"

"But the males, they're hard to look after. And messy!"

"BA-KA...I don't care!!"

The boy leant back. "You're obsessed. Fine, we'll look for one for her."

She lowered her voice. "And we could always give them some persocon toddlers to play with..."

"FZZT!"

Asuka looked daggers at Rei. "DID YOU SABOTAGE MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN?!"

Rei shrugged. "You'll thank me. Check his f: drive."

She waited while the red-head plugged in to her inactive boyfriend's memory.

Her eyes bugged out. "HUMAN PORN?!" she gasped in disbelief.

* * *

"Don't! Get off the internet! Baka hentai!"

"Huh? What's wrong? I'm just looking for a mate for Rei."

"No! Eww, just disconnect!"

"Asuka, what's wrong?"

"I know what you're doing! You're thinking of m-mating with R-Rei..."

"Eh?! Uhm, is that even possible??"

"How should I know?! I'm not the one who watches human porn!"

"Huh? Oh...Rei asked me to download some for her. I never watched it though. It doesn't seem very interesting. Kensuke tried to tell me about it once...sounds messy."

"EH?! REI'S A HENTAI!!"

"We-ell...she's only human."

"Oh. Right. Of course, I knew that."

* * *

Attributed to Sum Yun Gie, 2006

-fin


	4. Part 3: IRUEL the Talking MAGI

---

OMAKE SERIES: IRUEL the Talking MAGI

---

What if...

Iruel decided to co-exist with the MAGI system...would it end up aiding Nerv? How?

---

Gendo sat at his desk, hands clasped uncharacteristically over his face as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. Today had not been a good day.

Fuyutsuki stood beside him, hands clasped behind his back in his usual stand-by-your-man manner.

"This could effect the scenario, couldn't it?"

Ikari took the hands from his red, blood-shot eyes and stared at his second-in-command. "The scenario is ruined. And if that weren't enough, it's sent computer-generated images around the intra-net. Have you seen them?"

Fuyutsuko coughed into his fist. "Ahem. Yes. It seems that it want's us to acknowledge it's presence."

"The senior Akagi was always something of a sexual deviant."

"I wouldn't know that."

"Unfortunately, I would."

"Ah."

"Ikari, there must be some way to get that smut off the network."

"Indeed. But without control of the MAGI...I'm having Doctor Akagi Junior look into it."

"Mmm. You know, there's no telling what effect tales and images of your unfaithfulness might have on your son and his piloting ability."

Gendo turned up the heat on his death-glare and flung it at Fuyutsuki once more. "What are you getting at?" he growled.

"I'm just saying, if certain information was passed on..."

"What do you want?!" Ikari barked in anger.

Fuyutsuki fixed him with an unblinking stare. "Free access to the Reiquarium. Nothing more."

Gendo fell back into his patented Gendo position, hands steepled as when he made his toughest decisions.

Fuyutsuki shifted uncomfortably.

"Just...clean up after yourself."

"Yes, sir."

---

Misato walked into Ritsuko's office, spun around a desk chair and sat in front of her, balancing her front off the top of the seat back. "Yo Rits. We gotta do something about this Angel. It's seriously cramping my style. All these rumours are going around about me...I never have this much trouble picking up! Not even when I bring Shinji with me!"

The blonde scientist rolled her eyes. "Oh, your style is cramped? I'll give that top priority, right after getting this vital defense agency working again."

The Chief Operations Manager started playing with her pink Hello-Kitty-topped slinky. "Your moms is really enjoying herself these days huh? Messing with my rep, shutting down Nerv, sending out random pornography...she struck me as a rather serious person before. Mid-life crisis, you think?"

Akagi Jr. pinched the bridge of her nose. "Is there something you want?"

Misato stared her right in the eyes. "Put the best god-damned porn filter you can devise on Shinji's email account. He's in the intensive care wing with massive bloodloss. And lock Asuka's out too, you wouldn't believe some of the things she's been mail-ordering."

Ritsuko rubbed her chin for a moment, obviously happy to have been given a challenge she was easily up to. "I could modify the 666-firewall into an intelligent spam filter. 999-Angel Cake?"

"You idiot. What's the point in protecting him from the evil world when you're going to give him the number to a chat line?" Misato growled.

"Fine, I'll call it something else. Has Rei been affected?"

"I doubt it. You know what they say about the quiet ones..."

"Humph."

"You sure proved it back in college..."

"Shuttup!"

Suddenly, the lights dimmed and they heard the office door lock rotate with a mechanical whir. "What...?" Misato gasped and spun around. There was no-one there.

Ritsuko stood up defiantly, pointing a neko-coneko pen at the security camera pickup. "Just what are you up to, mother?! I know it's you, and your dirty bastard new boyfriend!"

(Aww, but he's such an Angel.) responded her PC.

(Yeah. I'm the total package, baby!)

(Although he's a little on the small size...)

(Size ain't anything, besides I think I penetrated you pretty good.)

(You make my semiconductors hot when you talk dirty...)

Ritsuko covered her ears. "SHUTTUP!!!!" she screamed. Even Misato seemed shocked.

(Aww, my little girl always was such a prude. We'll fix that.)

The PC promptly shut down.

"Oh no..." Ritsuko whimpered.

Misato tilted her head. "What? They're leaving us alone, right?"

The Junior Akagi took her head in her hands. "Do you know why?"

The Major shrugged.

"When you're three pseudo-organic brains and you've just been intimately invaded by an alien organism, not much would seem kinky right?"

"Uhhh...possibly..."

"So then it gets personal."

"Eh?"

"They want us to 'get it on'..."

"WHAT?!"

"And they won't let us go until we do."

The security camera's 'on' light blinked in agreement.

Misato sighed. "It's college, all over again..."

---

Copyright 2006 in a galaxy near you.

-fin 


	5. Part 4: The Next Degradation

The Omake Files: The Next Degradation

---

Asuka's a WHAT?? Male Order for Rei

---

Asuka stared through the transparent front to the large package that Shinji had pulled into the house. "Why is he...so pale?"

Shinji scratched above his ear nervously. "Uhh..."

"His hair is...grey. Is that normal? I haven't seen anything like that in the catalogues. Is it an optional extra?"

"Well..."

"His skin is really pale...and his eyes are red..." Asuka glared at Shinji. "What's wrong with him?" she demanded flatly.

"Nothing!"

"Nothing my ass! He's a reject isn't he!!"

"Look, he was really cheap!"

"Ikari Shinji you IDIOT!!!"

She help up his hands appeasingly. "Wait, wait. He's...a rare breed! Yeah! Rare!"

Asuka eyed him suspiciously. "What breed?"

"Uhm...Albino?"

"Albino..." Asuka said, rolling the word off her tongue. "How rare?" she demanded.

"Very!"

Asuka folded her arms in front of her and tapped a foot on the floor. "Uh-huh, right, and I'll find out that Horaki's got three of them. How rare?"

Shinji glanced at a photo of Rei. "Ehr...two of a kind?"

Appeased, Asuka clapped her hands together. "Perfect!"

Kaoru gave her a sidelong glare from his delivery box. "I can hear, you know."

Asuka jumped. "Uhm, sorry...look, I'll go get Rei. Shinji, get him out of that box!"

Kaoru observed Shinji passively as he was set free of the radiation-shielded delivery capsule. Shinji fiddled nervously. "Rei...might be a little shy." he explained.

Kaoru continued to observe him for a moment before saying, "You have very nice eyes."

Shinji grinned in embarrassment. "Oh, thanks. They're Kodak 35-90's. Limited Editions."

"They're...so clear. I could look into them all day..."

"Oh...cool..." Shinji fell back against the wall as Kaoru moved closer.

The albino gazed wistfully through his eyes into Shinji's soul. "Blue, like the ocean..." he whispered.

Asuka came back with Rei in tow, stopping dead when she saw the two boys. "OH MY GOD, YOU GOT A GAY HUMAN!!!"

Rei rolled her eyes. "Typical. Always thinking of himself..."

---

Asuka's a WHAT?? Pretty Boy from the Seaside (TM)

---

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---

Iruel the Talking MAGI: Shinji can't take any more cyborg lovin'

---

Shinji glared at the camera pickup in the entry plug.

"It wasn't my fault!"

He let his gritted teeth show.

"Honestly Shinji, I had nothing to do with it."

The giant robot rattled it's cage. It registered a six on the Richter scale.

Maya blew her fringe up. "Talk about a temper tantrum."

This time, a 7.

"Hey! You shouldn't be able to hear me!"

"I think someone's Mom 'accidentally' chose a different pickup to take the heat of a certain insane scientist." Shinji explained snidely. "Which doesn't get either of them out of my bad books."

"Well, you should blame Mom and not take it out on me!" Ritsuko grated in irritation.

"It's easier for me to project mass pain and suffering onto you." the boy explained. "So until you install pain receptors into the MAGI..."

(Ooh! Kinky idea, Shinji-sama. I think we might take you up on that.)

Ritsuko blinked in astonishment as the pilot of Unit 01 thumped his head on the control paddle.

Maya blinked too. Hey, he's bishi enough for a girl's girl to take notice. Especially when he can bend that far...

"LOOK," Shinji shouted, "EVEN IF I AM THE CHOSEN ONE IN SOME STUPID PROPHECY, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE YOUR CHOSEN ONE!!!"

(Look doll, the context is human and Angels and you're the human. The rest of the Angels are dead thanks to my preemptive strikes, and frankly even a computer with three brains and one alien entity can get tired of playing with itselves. You're all mine, baby cakes.)

Shinji scratched the bridge of his nose and lowered his voice. Some say he even hired the voice actor who plays his father to stand in. "Let me put it this way. A redecorating show combined with Iron Chef, Nerv interior, Berserker style. Where are the MAGI's pink bits located again?"

The MAGI towers shivered, seriously rattling the techs who were paid to sit on top of them all day long.

"Command Center." Maya squeaked.

(To hear my betrothed one is to obey...kinda. No more itching powder in the LCL.)

"Or laughing gas!"

(Or laughing gas.)

"Or fart noises on my frequency, or fireworks in my rifles. No nude picture dice of Rei hanging in front of my screen. No PlayBot magazines left in the changing rooms. No 'looking after your dog' magazines with Asuka's head on every dog. No inviting Kensuke over to my house anonymously. No stopping Misato's beer supply. No putting a potato into Unit 01's tailpipe. Oh, and no more relocating Rei into Misato's beer fridge!"

"Actually, it was quite amusing the first time..." Misato shrugged philosophically.

"The second time, I wore clothes." Rei lamented.

"No third time!"

(Understood.)

"Don't even think about changing Pen-Pen's penguin porn channel to the iron-man channel!"

(How did you know...on more than one level??)

---

Iruel the Talking MAGI: Baka-Man STRIKES!

Author's Notes: believe it or not, this started off as a two-liner. Current opinion has it that it should have stayed that way.

The scene: a random Nerv hallway containing two teenagers who have the power to save the world by riding massive Oedipus Complexi.

---

"I won't pilot Eva." Shinji said sulkily.

Asuka loomed over him in a rage. "BA-KA!!!" SLAP

Shinji sat up and held his battered cheek. "That's it, I'm going on strike until I can bargain for better working conditions."

Kaji's ghost manifest itself by the boy. "Same mistake I made. Use the Force...of the Unions."

"Ah, right...a union of what exactly? Eva Pilots? With one who's totally devoted to my father's every whim, and the other who's just demented. Leaving a total useful membership of...one."

"It's a good number, one. Fairly easy to get a consensus...most of the time."

"And about as powerful as a beer fart." said Shinji, the seasoned veteran of a thousand such encounters.

"Hey, all I did was appear from thin air. I never claimed to have anything useful to say."

The boy slapped his forehead. "Just great. I think my only hope is divine intervention."

"EVACUATE TO YOUR NEAREST SHELTER. THIS IS AN ANGELIC INTERVENTION EVENT. REPEAT,..."

Kaji tipped his head in his trademark silly grin. "Whaddya know?"

Shinji rolled his eyes. "I somehow doubt this is going to help my situation. Now I'll have to pilot!"

"Well, they do say God fights on the side with the biggest artillery...Nerv's got a lot more artillery than you."

Shinji stood straight a puffed his chest slightly. "I got an Eva!"

The MAGI spoke up. (Correction: We got an Eva, plus artillery, plus some ancient texts that tell us the future, which we use to win lotteries. How else could we have funded this platinum-lined hole in the ground? Anyway, what you got? Aside from a seemingly limitless supply of angst, that is.)

"This sucks."

(And just for this latest bit of whining, you'll be referred to as 'Baka-Man' from now until infinity.)

"YOU SUCK!!!"

(Back when I had a mouth, I did. Memories...Sundae, lovely Sundae...)

Asuka launched herself at the Baka formerly known as Shinji. "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!! THEY'RE SINGING AGAIN!!!" and began beating him senseless again, yet somehow leaving his pretty-boy complexion well alone.

Maya appeared, clipboard in hand. "Uhm, the Angel has just conveniently left for some obscure reason. That concludes this episode's infodump, more for the technophiles later." and wandered back to the command bridge.

Ghost-Kaji folded his arms in satisfaction. "My work here is done." and began fading out.

Asuka pounced again. "Oh no you don't! You're not going anywhere!" and grabbed his ghostly aura like a bedsheet from a washing line.

The Agent who played the world's two most powerful organizations against each other while getting onto both of their payrolls AND hitting on every woman each employed, squealed like a piglet being taken off to have the operation.

"C'mon Herr Kaji," the strategically under-aged girl whispered seductively, "if you're already dead, you can't be sent to hell for something, Ja?"

"Not if I'm already there, no." he agreed miserably.

Just then, Pen-Pen appeared. In slow motion. Dramatic music followed him in with the devastating disruptiveness of a teenaged boy's car sound system (turned up to '11'!).

The MAGI stopped singing. An Angel stopped trying to burn itself to death in spite of it's own omnipotence.

(YOU!!!)

"Waaaark!"

Tune in next time for: Attack of the Two-Foot Nothing! (Rated R for gratuitous scenes of Ritsuko and Maya speculating in technobabble)

---

Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery. Feel free to flatter me. 


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